Healing the Hidden Wounds: How Toni Nieuwhof Found Freedom from Toxic Shame

Toni Nieuwhof’s story is one many women carry silently. From the outside, her life appeared successful: a pharmacist, lawyer, pastor’s wife, speaker, and author. But behind the resume was a woman wrestling with toxic shame—emotional wounds so deep they shaped how she saw herself, her marriage, and her parenting.

Toni grew up with a father who struggled with alcoholism and anger. As a child, she learned to walk on eggshells, internalizing the message: "I’m not enough." These unspoken beliefs hid beneath her drive to succeed and masked a deep sense of worthlessness that she couldn’t fully name until adulthood.

“I had this impressive resume,” Toni shared, “but it was masking a deep-seated sense of worthlessness. What I later came to understand as toxic shame.”

That feeling—like you’re broken, inadequate, or undeserving—isn’t just in your head. It’s often rooted in childhood pain and reinforced by life experiences. Toni’s vulnerability reminds us that even high-capacity women can feel hollow inside.

It wasn’t until her 30s—and more fully in the last several years—that Toni began to understand the emotional toll of her past. Through therapy and prayer, she began to uncover hidden beliefs and pain that shaped how she related to her husband, her children, and herself.

Her story offers encouragement for anyone searching “Christian help for childhood trauma.”
She didn’t walk this journey alone. Counseling played a major role. “I did counseling with a psychologist. I also went through EMDR—therapy designed to help release trauma from the body,” she explained.

This layered healing process took time, but it worked. “There is freedom. It’s been life-changing for me.”

Many people feel like Toni once did: broken, but high-functioning. “I operated in self-sufficiency,” she said. “I didn’t even know I was carrying shame. It was so buried, I couldn’t name it.”

This is where the danger lies: unresolved shame can quietly infect every area of life while going unnoticed—even in churches, marriages, and ministries.

But Toni’s courage in pulling back the curtain invites others to do the same. Shame thrives in secrecy. Healing begins with honesty.

One of the most transformative practices Toni discovered was a simple, scripturally grounded form of meditation.

During a message at her church, she led others in a breath prayer: “Inhale: Be loved. Exhale: Beloved.”

It was her way of slowing down to experience the love of God—not just intellectually, but emotionally.
“If you’re not feeling love, joy, or peace,” she said, “sometimes you need to stop and focus on receiving it.”

These meditative practices have become part of Toni’s healing rhythm, helping her rewire her thoughts and receive the truth of who she is in Christ.

Healthy grief isn’t about hiding your emotions—it’s about feeling them in a way that leads to healing. Here’s what healthy grieving might look like:

• Let yourself feel – Suppressed pain doesn’t disappear, it just shows up elsewhere.
• Talk to someone – A friend, a pastor, or a counselor can help you process what you’re carrying.
• Find rhythms that restore you – Whether that’s journaling, taking long walks, or sitting quietly with worship music.
• Bring your questions to God – He’s not threatened by your doubts. In fact, those moments often become the most intimate.
  
  Grief that’s shared becomes grief that heals. Don’t do it alone.

You’re not alone, and you’re not beyond healing.
Toni’s story proves that God is patient, thorough, and kind in His healing work. Whether through counseling, prayer, community, or Christ-centered meditation, there is a way forward.
“He has always brought the right person at the right time,” Toni said. “There were clues all along that He saw me. And He sees you too.”

Visit Toni's website or more resources, reflections, and reminders that healing is possible—and that God has better days ahead for you.