How to Parent Adult Children Without Overstepping in Adulthood

Parenting doesn’t end when our children turn 18—it shifts. As our kids step into adulthood, they crave independence while still needing guidance. However, offering unsolicited advice can often feel like criticism to them. The key is learning to provide support while respecting their autonomy.

Give Them a "Passport to Adulthood"
One way to reinforce their transition into adulthood is by acknowledging it in a tangible way. Just as Jewish traditions like Bar Mitzvahs mark maturity, parents can create a symbolic moment to affirm their child’s new role as an adult. A simple conversation or even a small ceremony can set the stage for recognizing their responsibilities while ensuring they know your door remains open for support.

The "Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out" Approach
The phrase "keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out" is a guiding principle for parenting adult children. While parents may have wisdom from experience, unsolicited advice can push children away. Instead, wait for them to seek guidance and ensure that your home remains a safe and welcoming space where they feel supported, not controlled.

With more young adults delaying marriage and homeownership, many parents find themselves sharing a home with their grown children. While this can be a wonderful opportunity for connection, it’s essential to establish clear expectations to maintain harmony.

Establish Clear Expectations Early

• Rent & Responsibilities: If they are financially capable, they should contribute to household expenses or chores.
• Timeframe for Staying: Have a mutual understanding of how long they plan to stay.
• House Rules Still Apply: Adult or not, respect for house rules—like quiet hours and cleanliness—should be upheld.

Encourage Independence
Encourage your child to develop life skills that will help them transition into fully independent adulthood. Helping them create a budget, apply for jobs, or manage responsibilities will set them up for success rather than dependence.

While fostering a loving relationship is the goal, sometimes adult children may overstep their bounds or act in ways that are harmful to the parent-child dynamic. When disrespect enters the equation, boundaries become essential.

Communicate Clearly and Firmly
If your adult child speaks or behaves disrespectfully, address it directly:

• Use "I" statements: "I feel disrespected when..."
• Express expectations: "In this home, we speak with kindness and respect."
• Set consequences: If the behavior continues, establish clear next steps.

Maintain Your Emotional and Mental Well-being
You are not obligated to tolerate constant disrespect. While offering grace is essential, enabling bad behavior isn’t healthy for either party. If necessary, seek counseling, involve a mediator, or even establish space if their actions continue to be toxic.

One of the hardest things for Christian parents is watching their children make choices that stray from faith or wisdom. As Jim Burns mentions in his book, many parents struggle when their kids step away from church or question their faith.

The Power of Prayer
Even when it feels like you’ve lost influence, you can always pray for your children. Jim Burns shares a personal practice of writing down his grandchildren’s names in a journal, praying for them daily. This quiet, consistent intercession is a reminder that God loves our children even more than we do.

Focus on Relationship Over Correction
Sometimes, our eagerness to guide them back can push them further away. Instead of forcing faith discussions, create a safe space where they know they are loved unconditionally. Many adult children return to faith when they start families of their own and seek the values they were raised with.

If you’re struggling with the transition of parenting adult children, Jim Burns’ book, Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out, offers practical wisdom and biblical encouragement.

This book provides guidance on:

• Navigating your changing role as a parent
• Letting go of control while keeping a close relationship
• Handling conflict with grace and wisdom
• Strengthening your family’s foundation in faith